Saturday, September 25, 2010

Some revelations...

People have told me for 10 years on and off that they don't like how my former hubby spoke to me. Friends of HIS, male friends at that, my family, his family... the list continues. I ignored it. Did not feel their concerns were warranted.

I have been thinking the last week or two that perhaps they are right. That perhaps he spoke badly to me and that perhaps - just perhaps - and this is super hard to admit - that his way of speaking was actually emotional/psychological abuse.

Its hard to write that but thats where I am heading...

I just had a converstion online with an old old friend of my family. Turns out she understands where I am coming from with these thoughts. She compared it to an older brother constantly picking on a younger sister. Belittling. Condescending. Nothing I do say feel think is right and acceptable. I mean I am sure there are things that are acceptable but I will be damned if I can remember them. I cannot remember receiving compliments, praise, thank you's etc either. Which when I think about it are just good manners and are definately something you say to the people you love.

Food for thought that.

Now the other thing we talked about which is interesting is the daily emotional cycles. I am upset in the mornings and down. During the day when things get busier I get distracted and its ok then at night its lonely and empty. She feels these same things and so does my sister who is also going through a breakup. Its interesting.

So in the mornings I will go on autopilot mode and try not to think. Distract myself with breakfast and chores. In the evenings I need to reflect... and grow. Last night I watched a movie which was lovely. A girly one. I never do that. I cried - about nothing - and I think it was healthy.

So I have a plan.

Oh speaking of plans. I have a long term plan. Once he moves out I will move into the study and finish this course I am doing in record time. I will then be able to try to run a bookkeeping business from home... it will provide me extra cash, experience, and hopefully confidence.

They are small steps but they are being taken... I will be ok :)

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