Saturday, September 25, 2010

So here I am...

First post. I had another blog - from when he first decided our relationship was not worth working on. It was depressing, sad, and would have potentially led to an unhealthy victim attitude which is a bad direction to let myself head into.

I had a long long chat over many many wines last night with my darling sister C. She is going through a similar thing at the moment. What I have taken away from our chats is that I am NOT unhappy things ended and I am not sad and mourning an absent husband - not at this stage anyways. I can list at least a half dozen reasons why its a good thing that the relationship has ended. What I am doing however is being sad for my potential future. The daunting feeling of finding a potential date, going on said date (after finding someone to watch the kids who can cope with the kids), and clicking with  the right person... basically starting that process that I thought was long ended with 4 kids in tow - all while keeping them safe and secure about everything that has happened between their father and I, a new "man" etcetcetc.

Soo if I am not mourning a lost marriage. Where does that leave? As far as I can tell it leaves me simply making sure the kids are emotionally healthy, making sure I am dealing with the emotions as and when they surface and not letting them build up for too long because volcano's are dangerous things. It leaves me simply learning to be fantastic single mother and learning to be someone who can like and enjoy their OWN company ALONE. Thats the hard part. Alone.

Knowing their father is off doing what he chooses to do when he chooses to do it and when he decides to see the kids its his choice. I don't get that choice. Not that I am bitter - I would not give them up for anything - but it does hurt that he is currently spending his weekends and weekdays doing what he chooses (which is at the moment work 24/7 and fishing) and I am with the kids mending and healing and self analysing my every thought.

At the moment he still sleeps in this house at nights. He gets in late, gets up early and is off for the day again. He does not spend time with them alone and when I have suggested he does and that I go out for that time period - he balks at it and says that I don't have to leave. Not quite what I had in mind. I am hopeful that once he has moved out he will start to miss the kids more and arrange for time to be spent with them.

I am not sure where this blog is going if anywhere. Its for me to remember things, review things, and figure out just what the fuck is going on in my head. Plus it may make a nice time killer for a while.

Right now though I have 4 hungry children who need me to cook dinner. They are all I have at the moment and I am their sole provider. Shit it feels like a huge responsibility and it is. Its never one I planned to deal with alone.

My biggest fear at the moment is being alone forever. My other biggest fear is he will turn into an absent father. My mother was absent and I know only too well how hard that can hurt a kid. I can only hope at this stage.

1 comment:

  1. Jo Im so very proud of you!!! You are amazing and strong(I know you dont believe that right now) but you are
    Those kids are lucky to have you as their mummy xoxo