Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Mornings are the worst. exDH was out the door at 7am which was nice... I was still in bed. Once he was gone it becomes more peaceful and less "on edge" but then the lonliness rears up. Called my sister about 9am which was good to get some adult contact... makes it a bit easier and I think it sort of sets me up for the next few hours.

I need to invite people over for morning tea or something - set up playdates. Have no idea who or what I would talk about with them. It seems all I focus on at the moment is my failed marriage. I really need to get some better focus... will work on that. Like sis said - next year once the twins are in primary school and Jacks in grade one there may be more opportunities for playdates.

Was browsing a bookstore on line today - making a wishlist of various books that sound like good self help coping ones for me at the moment.... may buy a couple on payday.

I am rediscovering the things that used to get me excited and interested in life. I really really really like some selected retro things - not sure what its called but stuff by the Eames brothers etc... I really like some of the mushroom lamps, curvy furniture and eggball chairs etc... I love the bright orange and green colours etc and hot pink (not sure this is retro but I like it ) etc brightening up a room. I can also now admit I hate black furniture. We have a bunch of it in this house and he can have it as far as I am concerned! We never had the same taste in furniture and I compromised that. Don't have to anymore! Not that I have money for new furniture but I can think about it and watch stuff on ebay and slowly slowly buy things as i like.

Not sure what else I am interested in though... I have spent a decade supressing what I really think and like and want. It  may take a while to figure out whats really "me"..

Monday, September 27, 2010

Silly exDH #1

So I can keep track ;) of course ;)

This morning he gets up  - no good morning, just a glance at me and then goes "just cause we are seperated does not mean I like to sleep in now"... and goes off to make his coffee.

True... but just cause he is seperated from me does not mean I will continue to be his personal alarm clock! I am personally totally enjoying NOT waking to 10 different alarm times before he decides its time to get out of bed! Its lovely not having to wake up to an alarm clock (except the kids of course). If he wants to get to work on time - get that frickin' humpy made and you can be AT work before your alarm goes off! PMSL

Sunday, September 26, 2010

In a nutshell... this is what I have been dealing with.

19. Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

 12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.

13. Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to d.

GrantedII am sure I have my own issues but I don't have an issue with anyone else and have not had this situation in the past. My ex was not like this - not to this extent thats for sure. I was just unhappy. This relationship is different. (I found a long list of similar things through google).

I can never tell him how I think he is. He will never agree and will blame me regardless. This will never be something he can admit and resolve within himself. I am wondering if my sister in law agrees with me on this one... I suspect she would from our prior conversations.   o chores.

Emotional abuse?

It seems hard to believe but I think thats the label for what I have experienced these past few years at the very least. I could extend it to the entire 10 perhaps... and even then its plausible to place the label on my prior relationship which lasted 7 years.

Won't let myself get in that position again.

Constant belittling, the feeling of walking on eggshells whenever he is in the house, wondering what I will get in trouble for next... there is always something.Its hard to believe but it does fall into the category of abuse. It may not be visible but it is there. I want to buy some books on the subject but until I have money that wont be possible...

I am  now exhausted mentally and will switch off  if I can for the day... I think that realisation is enough progress in itself.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Control Freak!!

OMG he is such a control freak! He has to know EVERYTHING about ANYTHING that goes on in this house! WTF he does not even pay the rent and is not even on the frickin' lease and he does not want to be here! So why does he care?

My sister and I mowed the lawn out the back yesterday...with a hedge trimmer... PMSL

He demanded for ages to know who did it. I was evasive, did not tell him. Told him I did it. Did not tell him how. Boy was he not happy. I could hear him fuming from INSIDE the house! Eventually he came back inside and asked again how the lawn got mowed. Such an inside the box attitude. Assuming it was a lawn mower when I have no money and no lawn mower.

Eventually I told him I did it with a hedge trimmer. He could not even figure that out - I had to remind him there was one in the garage.

Oh we also had another conversation this morning - or rather he yelled at me about. Details aside cause they are petty and not interesting, I reminded him that he cannot stay here for months on end cause centrelink will cut my benefits and that in 2 months time we were being reviewed and if he was not out of the house by that time, my benefits would be cut.

He was not happy.

He made his bed he can lie in it. So much for being a happy blog. Its already on a downer. On the plus side I have not yelled, I have been patient (some may say too patient) and i have been honest. He needs to leave. End of story. Fuck in most relationships he would have to leave as soon as he ended it. What makes him think he can hang around is the kids. Thats the only thing.

It should be simple. You don't want to be with me? You are not taking the kids cause lets face it I have been the primary caregiver since their birth. So get the fuck out. Take your shit and leave me to get on with our lives... but its not. There are lack of funds cause of HIS needs. His addictions. His inability to save and not spend heaps every day. At least I can put a time frame on it. We will be reviewed on the 14th of November. If things have not changed benefits will be cut. Its that simple.

Some revelations...

People have told me for 10 years on and off that they don't like how my former hubby spoke to me. Friends of HIS, male friends at that, my family, his family... the list continues. I ignored it. Did not feel their concerns were warranted.

I have been thinking the last week or two that perhaps they are right. That perhaps he spoke badly to me and that perhaps - just perhaps - and this is super hard to admit - that his way of speaking was actually emotional/psychological abuse.

Its hard to write that but thats where I am heading...

I just had a converstion online with an old old friend of my family. Turns out she understands where I am coming from with these thoughts. She compared it to an older brother constantly picking on a younger sister. Belittling. Condescending. Nothing I do say feel think is right and acceptable. I mean I am sure there are things that are acceptable but I will be damned if I can remember them. I cannot remember receiving compliments, praise, thank you's etc either. Which when I think about it are just good manners and are definately something you say to the people you love.

Food for thought that.

Now the other thing we talked about which is interesting is the daily emotional cycles. I am upset in the mornings and down. During the day when things get busier I get distracted and its ok then at night its lonely and empty. She feels these same things and so does my sister who is also going through a breakup. Its interesting.

So in the mornings I will go on autopilot mode and try not to think. Distract myself with breakfast and chores. In the evenings I need to reflect... and grow. Last night I watched a movie which was lovely. A girly one. I never do that. I cried - about nothing - and I think it was healthy.

So I have a plan.

Oh speaking of plans. I have a long term plan. Once he moves out I will move into the study and finish this course I am doing in record time. I will then be able to try to run a bookkeeping business from home... it will provide me extra cash, experience, and hopefully confidence.

They are small steps but they are being taken... I will be ok :)

So here I am...

First post. I had another blog - from when he first decided our relationship was not worth working on. It was depressing, sad, and would have potentially led to an unhealthy victim attitude which is a bad direction to let myself head into.

I had a long long chat over many many wines last night with my darling sister C. She is going through a similar thing at the moment. What I have taken away from our chats is that I am NOT unhappy things ended and I am not sad and mourning an absent husband - not at this stage anyways. I can list at least a half dozen reasons why its a good thing that the relationship has ended. What I am doing however is being sad for my potential future. The daunting feeling of finding a potential date, going on said date (after finding someone to watch the kids who can cope with the kids), and clicking with  the right person... basically starting that process that I thought was long ended with 4 kids in tow - all while keeping them safe and secure about everything that has happened between their father and I, a new "man" etcetcetc.

Soo if I am not mourning a lost marriage. Where does that leave? As far as I can tell it leaves me simply making sure the kids are emotionally healthy, making sure I am dealing with the emotions as and when they surface and not letting them build up for too long because volcano's are dangerous things. It leaves me simply learning to be fantastic single mother and learning to be someone who can like and enjoy their OWN company ALONE. Thats the hard part. Alone.

Knowing their father is off doing what he chooses to do when he chooses to do it and when he decides to see the kids its his choice. I don't get that choice. Not that I am bitter - I would not give them up for anything - but it does hurt that he is currently spending his weekends and weekdays doing what he chooses (which is at the moment work 24/7 and fishing) and I am with the kids mending and healing and self analysing my every thought.

At the moment he still sleeps in this house at nights. He gets in late, gets up early and is off for the day again. He does not spend time with them alone and when I have suggested he does and that I go out for that time period - he balks at it and says that I don't have to leave. Not quite what I had in mind. I am hopeful that once he has moved out he will start to miss the kids more and arrange for time to be spent with them.

I am not sure where this blog is going if anywhere. Its for me to remember things, review things, and figure out just what the fuck is going on in my head. Plus it may make a nice time killer for a while.

Right now though I have 4 hungry children who need me to cook dinner. They are all I have at the moment and I am their sole provider. Shit it feels like a huge responsibility and it is. Its never one I planned to deal with alone.

My biggest fear at the moment is being alone forever. My other biggest fear is he will turn into an absent father. My mother was absent and I know only too well how hard that can hurt a kid. I can only hope at this stage.